Pregnancy and Depression

While pregnant, emotions run high and I could cry at the drop of a hat or get pretty ticked off for no reason at all. It's really starting to remind me of depression. The smallest malice seems like it takes over my life.  I don't mean to complain about everything, especially knowing how hard we worked to get here, but it occupies my whole life. I'm constantly in aching pain or discomfort. When I lay down and am able to get comfortable without the burn of acid reflux or suffocation of my heavy baby, and Emma wiggles and squirms it is such a lovely feeling. I could lay for hours just like that. Every morning when Emma kicks me awake it gives me a big smile, until I realize just how much i have to pee and then the aches begin to take over and cloud my mind. I always wanted to be one of those women who love pregnancy, who loves every moment. I feel like rather than a "glow" I carry dark bags under my eyes and pale skin, a fat behind and love handles that overflow from the back of my pants. It's difficult and depressing to see the shape of my body change, I can no longer wear those pants or fit in that shirt, the numbers on the scale are too scary to want to see. At first it was exciting, YES! I had finally gained a pound. But as the number reached closer to 20 pounds... it started to make me feel quite yucky.  I feel like a blob when I can't close my jacket, when I can't button up my winter coat. 

The depression or whatever it is escalates when Danny is gone. I don't have his constant companionship around, I don't have his helping hands, support, or smile to help me pick myself up when I'm feeling overwhelmed or down. Being so far away from family and from the friends I have who truly care is daunting... sometimes I feel like I need more support and just don't know where to find it. I've been trying to stay very busy, to keep distracted, by working more hours and taking on more activities, but really I think I'm just wearing myself out. I'm worn down. My house is a mess, which I feel is a direct reflection of how I'm doing. When we're happy, when things are going great, when I'm having the best time of my life or my days, this house is clean, neat, and orderly. When I feel things spiral out of control, they do.. along with the neat and tidiness of the house I live in. And all I do is look at the mess and think, "Man this place is disgusting, how do I live here?" (I'm probably painting a much worse picture than it actually is, nothing like on Hoarders or anything... but quite messy.)

Anyway if anyone reads this blog who is trying or knows what it's like to try so hard to conceive, please know I am not ungrateful. Emma is the most incredible gift I have ever been given, and I love her so very much.  Pregnancy is tough - especially when you go through it alone.

25 Weeks Pregnant

Just one week away from the 6 months mark, and 2 weeks from entering the third trimester... here I am sitting on 25 weeks of pregnancy with my now large behind. :)

This week has been another insane one, filled with 8+hour work days among other extra curricular activities, I feel I've been swallowed whole. My exhaustion level goes beyond just feeling "tired" once again.

To make fatigue even more pronounced, Emma has learned how to kick so hard that it wiggles my entire belly, and not just a little bit. I've tried to catch it on camera a few times but I can never seem to catch her in the act. She's learned somehow to sleep most of the time while I'm up walking around at work, and have a dance-a-thon at night while I'm trying to sleep. Luckily it's only she who is affecting my sleep and not Danny's absence. Because I'm so tired, I've had no trouble falling asleep once Emma stops practicing Karate on my organs. It's still pretty cool, even if frustrating when she kicks from midnight to 4am, to see the belly aerobics going on, and it's pretty much the most amazing miracle I've witnessed.

Acid reflux is still torturing me and I feel that this is something that is going to stick with me until Emma is born. Since I can feel her kicking up close to my rib cage now I know my stomach is just being smashed by her gigantic body. Knowing how long she is, and how much she weighs (nearly a pound and a half) can give you a pretty good idea of why everything is smushed, especially looking at how much my belly doesn't actually stick out...

I've once again hit up the local TJ-Maxx store for a $7 bra, the size made my eyes nearly pop out of my head. Then a girlfriend of mine told me that not only are they not done growing, but to expect them to fill up two more cup sizes once the milk comes in when the baby is born.... and that this can happen literally over night.

I've tried to add some different kinds of vegetables to my food supply, so far I've tried eating more sweet potato, which goes over pretty well, and asparagus, which i normally love but right now it's just "ehh". I have carrots and baby tomatos to try snacking on next, though I've never liked tomatoes. Who knows, maybe I will now.

Weight 137.5 (I've only gained half pound over the past two weeks, but I put that down to being oh so overly active 7 days of the week)

24 Weeks

Even though I'm only 2 days away from my 25 week mark I hadn't had time between Wednesday and now to actually sit down and write this until today. So I'll try to remember only things that happened in week 24.

Started out with my 24 week appointment. We had a little ultrasound of Emma, she was quite a turd, not cooperating and sticking her tongue out at us, and then she started chewing on her fingers, she yawned, she kicked her long legs around and slapped her knee a bunch of times. She kept kicking the Ultrasound tech, it was kind of funny.
Then we went in to see the nurse practicioner, who tried to find Emma's heart beat but Emma wouldn't stop moving, and based on what she could find she "guessed" her heart rate was still up near 150 which is good. I was still measuring about 4 days behind, surprise surprise! Emma weighs over a pound and is 13 inches long from head to feet. According to the doctor's scale I was 141 although when I weighed in at home it was still 137.5. According to the numbers that they have, (starting weight 122) I had already gained 19 pounds. I've decided to just ignore that. Because it's totally scary.
I have 107 days left of pregnancy, YIKES! That's just over 3 months until Emma arrives! And in two weeks, I'll be in the 3rd trimester..

Ok so things that changed in week 24: Acid reflux has become a major issue. It doesn't matter what I eat or drink, my throat just burns with acidic "burps" which aren't really burps but kind of feels like it should be until it's not... best way I can explain it.
No longer interested in eggs, or burritos. or much food for that matter, though I'm still trying to eat well it's totally bumming me out that it's not summer time and there aren't any good summer fruits in season right now. I did buy some frozen pineapple and peaches to thaw and eat but they just don't taste anything similar to the "real" ripe in season thing. *sigh*
Still no milk for me. That's an instant "sick" if you know what I mean.

Well that's all for week 24, I'll be updating again in 2 or 3 days for week 25.

23 Weeks Pregnant

Well, there isn't much going on that hasn't been talked about before. Still dealing with b-acne, still tired. Still can't drink milk at all.

Some new developments: Itchy belly & lower back - I read that this is from the skin stretching
Stretch marks - in random places, not on the belly (yet?) though.
Feeling Heavy - some days emma feels so heavy, when I roll over in bed or try to get up.

Nutrition still pretty good, still not very interested in vegetables though I've tried to enjoy them. It's strange, I love veggies usually. Fruit is still my passion currently. Emma still flips and wiggles all the time, it seems to be more and more on a schedule though than it was before which is awesome. I'm thinking of keeping a little note of what time of the day I'm feeling her move to try to figure out if she has a sleep pattern just yet.

Danny has been really wonderful about giving massages and rubs when things start to get sore. I don't know what I'm going to do without him around for almost 4 weeks!

It's also getting close to maternity clothes shopping. My jeans (as I'm sure you'll notice in the photo below) do not fit right anymore and my shirts roll up my belly unless I wear one of my two maternity tank tops under them. Also, I have a feeling my belly button is going to pop out here in the next month or so, it's getting pretty shallow... and I thought I had a deep belly button!
Waist : 34.5 inches
Weight: 137.0

Possibly the first craving

I was just telling Danny that it would be so easy to decide what to eat if I knew what I wanted. A friend of mine ate nothing but corn dogs her entire pregnancy, because it's all she wanted. I also know some women who have eaten lots and lots of one thing over everything else, and I was wondering when that would be me... well, ladies and (well probably only ladies..) here is the one thing i've been wanting to eat, over and over and over:

Egg burritos.

Let me tell you what goes into these suckers...

First, a giant flour tortilla. Cheese. Rice. Beans. Potatoes. Scrambled eggs. Onion and Cilantro. Salsa. Sour Cream.

If I hadn't just had one and was full to the brim, I could make and eat another one right now. Not as easy as heating up a corn dog but... soo delicious. Today I had one with a glass of pineapple juice and Emma did flips over it (well probably from the sweetness of the pineapple juice).

MMmmm......

Anatomy Scan

So today was my "20 week" anatomy scan, even though I'm "supposed" to be almost 22 weeks along (21+5).

Emma is still a girl, WOHOOO! She weighs in at 0.9lbs. She was hiccuping and waving, scratching her face, and kickboxing. She is giant, her head is down near my pelvic bone and her feet are up at my belly button. She has all 10 fingers and all 10 toes! I saw her profile, looks like a Sherman/Runcie style profile to me! To me it looks like she has looong arms and legs, but who really knows until she pops out.

I'm due (once again) on March 13th instead of March 9th. I knew they shouldn't have changed it way back when, I had a pretty much spot on knowledge of when she was conceived, there really wasn't much room for error since I only visited Danny for a few days...

I cried quite a bit this time, I don't know why, just so happy when I see my baby. It was really cool, also, to see her kick and feel it at the same time. Sometimes she would bounce and it felt like a big thwamp! She kicked the ultrasound wand thingy a few times and it made the US tech giggle. She said, "She is very active!" (duh) I told her She's like this every day.

Here she is, in all her beauty. I think she looks beautiful already. (I'm not sure what the shadow over one side of her face is about though, I didn't actually see THAT when looking at the US screen, just her face. Maybe she was moving when the pic was taken.)