While pregnant, emotions run high and I could cry at the drop of a hat or get pretty ticked off for no reason at all. It's really starting to remind me of depression. The smallest malice seems like it takes over my life. I don't mean to complain about everything, especially knowing how hard we worked to get here, but it occupies my whole life. I'm constantly in aching pain or discomfort. When I lay down and am able to get comfortable without the burn of acid reflux or suffocation of my heavy baby, and Emma wiggles and squirms it is such a lovely feeling. I could lay for hours just like that. Every morning when Emma kicks me awake it gives me a big smile, until I realize just how much i have to pee and then the aches begin to take over and cloud my mind. I always wanted to be one of those women who love pregnancy, who loves every moment. I feel like rather than a "glow" I carry dark bags under my eyes and pale skin, a fat behind and love handles that overflow from the back of my pants. It's difficult and depressing to see the shape of my body change, I can no longer wear those pants or fit in that shirt, the numbers on the scale are too scary to want to see. At first it was exciting, YES! I had finally gained a pound. But as the number reached closer to 20 pounds... it started to make me feel quite yucky. I feel like a blob when I can't close my jacket, when I can't button up my winter coat.
The depression or whatever it is escalates when Danny is gone. I don't have his constant companionship around, I don't have his helping hands, support, or smile to help me pick myself up when I'm feeling overwhelmed or down. Being so far away from family and from the friends I have who truly care is daunting... sometimes I feel like I need more support and just don't know where to find it. I've been trying to stay very busy, to keep distracted, by working more hours and taking on more activities, but really I think I'm just wearing myself out. I'm worn down. My house is a mess, which I feel is a direct reflection of how I'm doing. When we're happy, when things are going great, when I'm having the best time of my life or my days, this house is clean, neat, and orderly. When I feel things spiral out of control, they do.. along with the neat and tidiness of the house I live in. And all I do is look at the mess and think, "Man this place is disgusting, how do I live here?" (I'm probably painting a much worse picture than it actually is, nothing like on Hoarders or anything... but quite messy.)
Anyway if anyone reads this blog who is trying or knows what it's like to try so hard to conceive, please know I am not ungrateful. Emma is the most incredible gift I have ever been given, and I love her so very much. Pregnancy is tough - especially when you go through it alone.
Hi Nessie <3 I think everything you are feeling is ok and normal. Let yourself be ok with your fluctuating emotions, your changing body, and your house in the state it is in. One thing we have to learn to let go of is the need to have things just so. Just sit and be OK with feeling awful. You certainly don't have to feel happy about any of it. Tell yourself "Even though I feel fat and useless and miserable, I deeply and completely love and accept myself anyway."
ReplyDeleteAlways know that things will change, that life ebbs and flows, that what is full will be empty and what is empty will be filled. You and Danny can work out if this is really the best situation for you two, and if you do, then I know you will find ways to cope with it and have a life that you really LOVE.
Trying to be distracted does not help. Running away from the mosters in your head only makes them roar louder. Instead, invite them to tea. See your frustration and your anger and your saddness and greet it and say, "I hear you. I understand. I love you."
Sending you lots of love my dear. xoxoxo
Hello,
ReplyDeleteMy name is Lannie and I found your blog through babyandbump and i pop in to see if you've posted any new blogs. I have been keeping up with your story and how you had been trying to conceive and now pregnant.
I just read your most recent entry and felt compelled to write you to let you know that it's ok to feel the way you do. And I know you are very thankful for your daughter and would not change anything about it.
I had a one year journey until we got pregnant (I am now 9 weeks along) and I too have been moaning, complaining about being so sick, not feeling well, and all sorts of negative things. Like you said it's so hard to be happy and cheery all the time when really we are feeling like crap sorta say. I too thought, being pregnant I would be at my happiest, but I am really at my most miserable state of mind. I have lost interest in everything and anything, It is soooooo hard for me to get out of bed because I feel the most comfortable in bed (when I'm asleep I sleep away the food smells/adversions/nauseausness etc etc.) I have to work and I dread every morning that I have to get up shower, brush my teeth, do my make up etc.
I just wanted to let you know that I feel the same way and it sounds like I'm ungreatful but it's really hard. Pregnancy is not as peachy as I thought it would be. Hang in there! I will be thinking of you...All my best Lannie Tucson, AZ
I hated every second of being pregnant and called A the parasite or "it" for the entire pregnancy since we didn't want to find out the sex. The fact that you are able to find joy in pregnancy at least sometimes is absolutely wonderful and I'm so happy for you. I adore being a mom and know you will too. This is the miserable part (not for everyone true...) but since you are going to be a mom much longer than you will be pregnant... I wouldn't worry about not loving the pregnancy itself because you already love the baby. As for the feeling down... definitely keep talking to friends, family, anyone that helps you feel better.
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