Recovery - week 1 & 2

The things you don't hear much about...

1. Tearing and healing from it
2. Afterbirth pains
3. Anxiety

The tears are still healing, and could take up to 6 weeks to fully heal. I'm pretty sore but thankfully have this magical gel that numbs the heck out of everything.
After giving birth, you have what is referred to as Afterbirth. The first time standing up after giving birth is a trip - it literally feels like your entire contents of your body - all organs and everything, are going to fall right out of your behind. There is so much pressure it catches you off guard. No one ever mentioned this to me before... I was not expecting it.
Then there are the pains that are associated with this. I feel like I've been on the worst period of my life for two weeks now. Motrin is my only way to escape the pain, though the doctors offered much stronger medicines to cope with this - codine, percocet, etc. I decided that I wanted to keep my baby away from narcotics. I felt bad even taking the motrin, after avoiding everything during pregnancy and child birth - I never even took a tylenol. But as Danny put it, I have someone who depends on me now, and if I'm in too much pain to walk around without my legs shaking, I can't take care of her in the perfectly loving way that I want to.

Today I tried to wean myself off the Motrin, as I had been feeling very good the past two days. However as soon as the build up of medicine cleared my system (about 24 hours or so) my legs started to shake again and the pain made me claim my reclining throne. Luckily Em is sleeping so I have some time to let the Motrin I just took set in a bit before I have to go get her again. And it makes me feel better that Motrin is considered "safe" during breast feeding though... I wish I could avoid it all together.
I also "pulled a muscle" so to speak down there, so I'm sure that contributes to the amount of pain.

We have been so blessed that Danny has time off of work to help me, and that his parents have come to help as well. I haven't had to make dinner (or breakfast or lunch) since I had Emma, and I'm so thankful that I don't have to do anything. Learning to breastfeed exclusively and trying to keep myself alive on a small amount of sleep is pretty exhausting, but I love every moment of it.

I love being a mom. It is the greatest gift in the world, and I know Emma already knows me!! And Danny, too! When no one can calm her cries, one of us can take her and she'll calm immediately. I just love that.
With being a new mom comes anxiety though. Danny and I talk about our fears, irrational or not, it is so scary. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong and losing my daughter. I can't sleep some nights because I have to check to make sure she's still breathing. She sleeps on my chest most of the night, and in the morning she sleeps on Danny. Last night she spent a whole 2 hours on her own in her rocker, but the anxiety made me crazy, every time she whimpered in her sleep I wanted to pick her back up. Then, I didn't know what was wrong with her when she did wake up and cry, because it was a cry I hadn't heard before. (I know her distinct cries, "I'm Cold" "Hold Me" "I'm Hungry" "Change my Diaper") It scared me and when I was holding her, her skin felt hot, and I thought she might be running a fever. She wouldn't eat and I was just so scared that she was sick already, I kept running through how she could have picked something up, was it because we let Atreus sniff her? Did someone not wash their hands? Did someone at Danny's work have an illness?(we went to his office earlier that day)... It turned out she was just hot. As soon as we opened the window and turned on the fan, she was fine and slept soundly for another 3-4 hours. So now I know what the "I'm Hot" cry sounds like.
I'm also scared of her belly button. I know, it sounds crazy. But it was bleeding the other day and I didn't know what to do, it was only a very small amount of blood but I don't have an umbilical cord stuck to me so I didn't know what to expect. I can't wait for it to fall off so I can stop avoiding it. I'm scared of hurting her! She's so precious. I love everything about her.