We finally introduced Emma to a bottle, so that I could have a tiny bit of mommy time when Danny comes home from work. He'll get home and I'll pump a few ounces, I'll get on the bike, ride for 10 minutes (that's all I can do to start out with, I haven't been to a gym since 2008... and haven't worked out since about May 2009) stretch, and take a shower.
As I stood in the bathroom looking in the foggy mirror, I realized everything had changed. Since I got over my awkward phase, I'd considered myself a good looking woman since college. Though there were things I always wanted to improve, like my arms or my abs, I was overall very happy with the way that I looked. Staring back at me now is a different person. Face a little rounder, giant breasts streaked with bright purple stretch marks, a dark line running down the center of my stomach along with a handful of purple and red stretch marks, sagging skin and a stretched out belly button, love handles that make the fluffiest muffin top you've seen...
But it's ok. I will get some of my body back, it will take time but it will come. And I am still beautiful.. in a different way. A mommy kind of way.
I know not to obsess over these things, especially in front of Emma. I would hate to be that example: the "I'm not good enough" example.
I stared into my own eyes, and braided my hair. Yes, I braid my hair again, just like when I was younger... it's simple and keeps everything out of the way for my all important mom duties. I put on a pair of too tight sweat pants, a regular now-a-days, and grabbed yet another nursing tank top from the pile of clean laundry and pulled it on. As I picked off the pink fuzz left behind by my sweet child's blankets, I smile... Danny and I have always hated lint... but the fuzzy pink balls that stick to everything we wear don't seem to matter. I'm a mom. With big beautiful blue eyes, blonde hair that will always fit into a pony tail holder, and a heart that belongs to my amazing daughter.
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Body changing is just another one of those sit-back-and-watch-life-happen kind of things. I remember looking at my legs once when I was really sick. Dozens of bruises, devoid of any muscle, so tiny I could fit my hands around, I was bursting out crying because my body showed me the battle I had been going through. I have learned to love each little part as I bathe and put lotion on I say "thank you I love you", and I really do. You split your body apart to give a little ball of love some life, and the best part is, your body is still ever changing. We are never ever set in stone, the human body is an amazing thing. I love you!
ReplyDeletei love this post -- tears are welling up in my eyes...spoken like a true born to be mom :) I am expecting currently 7 months and have seen my body change like I have never seen, i too will take on these changes when they come. Although i am sure my body will not be the same it will be worth having my baby boy with me. I will have to reblog your blog I just love it.
ReplyDeleteHi Vanessa
ReplyDeleteHow are you and the little one doing?