Pregnant again! The first few weeks...

4 Weeks
That's right! I'm knocked up again. It's very early and we aren't telling *everyone* yet. I'm very excited. At the same time I'm not sure we were quite ready for this little surprise yet, it happened VERY fast and we were not expecting it to be "easy". I didn't get my first cycle until 10 months postpartum, and so it only took us about 4 cycles to get pregnant this time. I didn't do any of the chart/temp/tracking this time, so it wasn't as difficult this time to wait. We haven't been "preventing" since Emma was 2 months old, so all in all I guess you could say a good 12/13 months but I can't see how anyone can count that as trying when it isn't possible before the first cycle comes back.

This time around the nausea has already kicked in. I can't believe it, I'd like to throw a fit. Danny is gone again this time, he'll be back in about 16 weeks. I'll already be half way through cooking by the time he comes back! That's exciting.

I definitely already feel pregnant. I know last time there weren't really any clues until 8/9 weeks along. But I'm super bloated, I have been getting car sick really easily, I'm SO THIRSTY, I can smell. everything. You better brush your teeth or pop in a stick of peppermint gum before we have a conversation, I don't want to smell what you had for lunch. I'm so nauseous and I get hungry so fast.
Weight: 119

5 Weeks
The extreme Exhaustion has really set in. I'm lucky to have a baby who takes an hour and a half nap in the afternoon because I really need my own nap by 1:00 in the afternoon. I wish she took a longer nap but 90 minutes is pretty decent at her age. I know, some toddlers sleep for 3 hours at nap time, but emma has NEVER taken a nap that lasted longer than 2 hours.

The dreams are awful. I've had dreams of snakes, tornadoes, and worst of all - of Emma dying. These dreams are so horribly vivid and life like they don't help with the sleep situation.
I haven't been nauseous in 4 or 5 days, which has been lovely.

One major difference this time around is my choice of food. Last time, if you recall, all I wanted to eat were apples. Granny smith apples, to be exact. This time, meat. Red. Meat. I could probably eat a cow each day. Poor cows. I feel like Pheobe on Friends.

Other than that I have a little bit of  face acne, but then again it is summer time. Humid + hot + sunscreen every day... I can tell some of them are from hormones though, those deep, cystic pimples, those are the ones I'm talking about.
The bloating comes and goes, but I think it was worse last week. I'll start taking pictures this week, I think. :)
Weight 119

6 Weeks
I was hit with the stomach flu this week, but of course since we weren't talking about pregnancy yet on fb I couldn't post anything about how much I was throwing up because then people would ask and I don't like to lie, even though that isn't really the reason I wasn't keeping anything down. Seriously. It hit me on the way home from the store on Friday, I had to pull over and be "sick" into a bag. Twice. Then I got home and about 15 mins later I was running for the bathroom to throw up again. Over the next 5 hours or so I threw up over 20 times. Emma was really unhappy! I couldn't give her any attention and I was so happy when it was time for her to go to bed. And at first I thought it was morning sickness, but after about 10 times in one day I decided it had to be something else. Then I saw a friend of mine who I had seen just the day before had posted on facebook that she had been throwing up all day thanks to the stomach bug her sister had given her.
I was like THANK THE LORD! I thought I was going to die if the next few months would be like this.

Since the beginning Danny has been begging me to post on Facebook about the pregnancy. He wanted to brag to everyone, and I told him no, no, no, no. But I guess with it being Father's Day and all, I just couldn't say no! I wanted to wait until 12 weeks(or until we(I) see the baby on the dating scan) but oh well.

So new thing : Crushed Ice. mmmm. I wanted to eat something cold, but I can't handle sugar right now... so that knocks out ice cream and popsicles and all those good things. So I was staring into the freezer contemplating either frozen peas or frozen green beans (i love both), when I glanced at the ice maker.... annnnnddddddd that was that. I'm sure frozen veggie would have been a better choice, but from that moment on.. yeah.. pica. Whatever frozen water feels good in my mouth and in my tummy (still. So. sensitive. )

I've lost some lbs being sick for the last 3 days. So weight: 116 (it'll come back really fast once I start eating regularly again)

Yes, that's a dryer sheet stuck in the vent. I wanted to smell something Yummy. What's better than clean laundry smell?

Life with a one year old

Green, red and yellow fishy crackers mushed into the carpet = awesome rainbow carpet, right?

I've got to say - I love being a mom. The good moments far outweigh the bad, even though for some reason at the end of the day the bad moments stick out like a sore thumb.

Every day I get endless amounts of hugs and kisses, snuggles and lovin's. Though sometimes a little more than I want - it's hard to live without a personal bubble. Ever.

As a mom, especially a stay-at-home mom or an all-day-with-your-kid mom like I am, your "touch" meter gets used up daily. The amount of time any one person would want to have skin-to-skin contact with another is often times overdrawn. This can sometimes really take a toll on the relationship between mom and dad - because Dad isn't being hung on all day, and he still has some cuddling he wants to do at the end of the day.. sometimes literally and sometimes in the YKWIM? kind of way. Especially when it comes to bed time, I want to sleep in my own bubble, spread out on my side of the bed. Dad always wants to hug and snuggle me all night long, or sometimes he says "lay on my chest, hug me!" and I'm like "uhh no." I'm working on it though. I have to leave a little room for him, too.

I have to be honest for a second - my house is a mess. Not in a dirty, eww gross, kind of way like it was when Emma was first born and I just didn't have time to do any of this or that, but in a way where you have to watch where you step - I'm constantly stepping over or around things. It drives me totally crazy - I HATE IT WHEN THERE IS STUFF ON THE FLOOR! I'd rather all of the closets and cupboards be shoved full of stuff than for there to be anything - and I mean ANYTHING - on the floor. I don't know when this happened, because as a teenager I lived in a pile of clothes. Literally, my bedroom floor was a big, huge, giant, pile of clothes. I'm sure among other things but I vividly remember the clothes. But now? Oh man it makes me totally bonkers to step over/around/avoid things to trip on. I even cleared out the coat closet so I could shove Emma's toys in there. I moved all of her "big" toys (play kitchen, walkers, ball house) up to her room where there is no furniture (except for a crib of course) so that they wouldn't be on the floor in the livingroom.

Alas, no matter how I "organize" Emma's toys, 5 minutes after she wakes up in the morning it's her mission to undo everything I've done. While I get ready for work I think it's on her agenda to:

Empty all of my desk drawers
Pull all the toilet paper off of the rolls
Empty every cupboard that she can manipulate the child lock on
If the dishwasher is open, remove all contents and place them on the floor
Dump out the small trash cans
Find her legos and/or smaller sharp toys and put them under my feet
Empty the laundry baskets, and carry clothes into random places in the house

SO yeah, my house is a mess. So if you stop by unannounced - it's going to be ugly.

That said it's wonderful and inexplicable the joy of being a mother and teaching a little person that you made what the world is all about. Until you experience it there just is no way to tell you what it's like.

This post turned out a little more negative than I had anticipated, sorry for that! I really do love love love being a mommy and I love my little nugget more than anything in the whole world.

9 Months PP

Well, she's finally been OUT as long as she was IN!

I'm FINALLY pre pregnancy weight, though I still don't look/feel the same LOL.

Emma isn't sleeping through the night yet but we're working on it. We recently started crying - it- out and it's working rather well and going very smoothly (KNOCK ON WOOD, seriously). When we've tried this before it just didn't work - I wasn't ready, she wasn't ready, Dad wasn't ready, and all of us would just end up in tears.. over tired and frustrated and heart broken. Emma is now crying for about 9 minutes a night and then going to sleep, and for about 10 seconds at nap time and then going to sleep, and she'll also put herself BACK to sleep which has never worked out before, either. (Thank Heaven.)

I'm still breast feeding so the tata's are still quite large, and I'm worried what will happen to them when i stop. I plan to wean around 12 months though I don't know how easy it will be for either of us. Unless you've breast fed and have loved doing it, you won't understand why anyone would want to keep breast feeding their child after a year.. or after they can actually ask for it... or after they have teeth (and.. yeah, that hurts.. little biters). It's a really strong bond that only a mom can have with her baby. It's very special and magical.

Danny and I still haven't gone out together without her......... HAHAHAHAHA! We love her too much to leave her, EVER. It's kind of crazy. It will happen soon enough, though, probably while we are home visiting family for the holidays.

Another thing, LOL, we got a housekeeper twice a month. After I started to Nanny full time (about 44 hours/week) things really went south. We finally got them under control and then went for emergency leave to Las Vegas and when we got back we had fallen out of our routine and life got even crazier.. and the house went back to shambles. Now it's finally under control again and I'm so happy to not have dust anywhere. Maybe once I'm sleeping all night again I'll have the energy to do it myself - but for now - tough cookies, someone else can carry the burden for me for a while.

Also, 9 months later, we're ready to try for #2! I don't have a cycle yet (thank you no pacifier and breast feeding around the clock....) so it won't likely happen any time soon but we are trying! Danny is starting the vitamins again and no prevention method is being used. So, baby Sanoja x or y, come on down! :)

Life post pregnancy

Happy Girl, 2 Months

Life is wonderful.

There is nothing better than being a mommy. This journey has been a rocky road but we are so very blessed to have the perfect baby girl. She is so strong and beyond her age in development. She has reached so many milestones early!

I still have 10 pounds to go to get to pre-pregnancy weight, but the doctor said that I will not likely lose any more until after I stop breastfeeding no matter what I do, because the body tends to hold on to 10-15 pounds for "storage" to take care of the baby's needs in case of famine. Isn't that interesting? Our bodies are so efficient! So for now I only fit into a few pair of my own pants but that's alright with me!

I have been exclusively breast feeding since day 1. In fact, we're having trouble getting Emma to take a bottle. I've been pumping a few ounces each day to try to get her to take a bottle, but she just doesn't want it! I would like to be able to go get a hair cut or something, date night, anything, and be able to leave her for just a little while and not worry about her getting hungry. Oh well, I guess I can wait until she's 6 months old, it's not that far off anyway (say wha!?!)

Let's see, other than that, I'm still having "lady" problems since her birth and my postpartum appointment didn't go so well so I have yet another one later in the week (yes, my baby is nearly 4 months old and I have not had a successful, "you can go back to a regular doctor now" p.p. appointment yet) but that, to me, is really not a big deal.... since I've had "lady problems" practically all of my life so that isn't really a surprise now, is it...

I'm still in a 34DD, and I've tried and tried squeezing into a 34D but it just doesn't work out, I get the 4-boob look going. I thought they were supposed to go back down after the milk regulated but so far mine. have. not. I have a friend who recently told me they never went back down for her and then got even BIGGER now that she's had #2!! YIKEROOZERS!

Oh yeah and another thing about postpartum, the hormone fluctuations are really weird. One day I feel pregnant again and one day I feel totally normal. I got really nervous the other day because I seriously felt like I was 8 weeks pregnant again. Then Danny and I laughed because wow that would be nearly impossible.

Also, the house is still not quite under control. But I don't care. I go 100% taking care of Emma, the house can stay at 50% for a while. I've just started getting back into a grocery routine. And at least I make dinner and lunch every day now :)

Now, for a fun picture of Emma.

Emma Talking to her Daddy, 3 months old

Emma standing in Daddy's hand, 3 months

My body has changed...

We finally introduced Emma to a bottle, so that I could have a tiny bit of mommy time when Danny comes home from work. He'll get home and I'll pump a few ounces, I'll get on the bike, ride for 10 minutes (that's all I can do to start out with, I haven't been to a gym since 2008... and haven't worked out since about May 2009) stretch, and take a shower.

As I stood in the bathroom looking in the foggy mirror, I realized everything had changed. Since I got over my awkward phase, I'd considered myself a good looking woman since college. Though there were things I always wanted to improve, like my arms or my abs, I was overall very happy with the way that I looked. Staring back at me now is a different person. Face a little rounder, giant breasts streaked with bright purple stretch marks, a dark line running down the center of my stomach along with a handful of purple and red stretch marks, sagging skin and a stretched out belly button, love handles that make the fluffiest muffin top you've seen...
But it's ok. I will get some of my body back, it will take time but it will come. And I am still beautiful.. in a different way. A mommy kind of way.
I know not to obsess over these things, especially in front of Emma. I would hate to be that example: the "I'm not good enough" example. 
I stared into my own eyes, and braided my hair. Yes, I braid my hair again, just like when I was younger... it's simple and keeps everything out of  the way for my all important mom duties. I put on a pair of too tight sweat pants, a regular now-a-days, and grabbed yet another nursing tank top from the pile of clean laundry and pulled it on. As I picked off the pink fuzz left behind by my sweet child's blankets, I smile... Danny and I have always hated lint... but the fuzzy pink balls that stick to everything we wear don't seem to matter. I'm a mom. With big beautiful blue eyes, blonde hair that will always fit into a pony tail holder, and a heart that belongs to my amazing daughter.

3 Weeks Down!

I am not "fully" recovered but I'm getting there!!

I can pee without numbing, the biggest plus. And I have feeling in my bladder again. (did I mention that last time? That you lose feeling in your bladder after a vaginal delivery?  you do, and you have to remember to go pee... imagine having to remind yourself to breathe.... kind of similar.)

I'm off the motrin, I'm off tylenol, I'm off of all the drugs! YES!! And Emma is doing great. Breastfeeding is going great, it still stings sometimes and sometimes things get a little raw, especially after that three week growth spurt talk about ouch. But now that she's over 3 weeks old we were able to introduce her to a bottle, and pumping hurts much less than a tugging baby. So I get one break each day when Danny comes home from work and can give her a bottle, and I am free to do my own thing, like shower or ride the bike. WOhoo!

I am still fat, but that'll take time and that's ok, it took 9 months to gain all this body fat and extra skin, it'll take a little while to put it all back where it belongs. I've lost about 13 pounds I think.. and am kind of at a stand still on that number. I can't wait to get under 140, I'm stuck at 142 and have been for over a week. But I can start adding in 30 minutes of slow peddling on the bike 2 to 3 times a week now that Lochia seems to be just about over.

Over all, recovery is going very well. Can't wait for my checkup to get the green light on resuming normal activity and pumping up workouts to a higher level.

Here's a cute Emma face just to top off the post, we call this her monkey face, and it makes us laugh every time she does it!

Recovery - week 1 & 2

The things you don't hear much about...

1. Tearing and healing from it
2. Afterbirth pains
3. Anxiety

The tears are still healing, and could take up to 6 weeks to fully heal. I'm pretty sore but thankfully have this magical gel that numbs the heck out of everything.
After giving birth, you have what is referred to as Afterbirth. The first time standing up after giving birth is a trip - it literally feels like your entire contents of your body - all organs and everything, are going to fall right out of your behind. There is so much pressure it catches you off guard. No one ever mentioned this to me before... I was not expecting it.
Then there are the pains that are associated with this. I feel like I've been on the worst period of my life for two weeks now. Motrin is my only way to escape the pain, though the doctors offered much stronger medicines to cope with this - codine, percocet, etc. I decided that I wanted to keep my baby away from narcotics. I felt bad even taking the motrin, after avoiding everything during pregnancy and child birth - I never even took a tylenol. But as Danny put it, I have someone who depends on me now, and if I'm in too much pain to walk around without my legs shaking, I can't take care of her in the perfectly loving way that I want to.

Today I tried to wean myself off the Motrin, as I had been feeling very good the past two days. However as soon as the build up of medicine cleared my system (about 24 hours or so) my legs started to shake again and the pain made me claim my reclining throne. Luckily Em is sleeping so I have some time to let the Motrin I just took set in a bit before I have to go get her again. And it makes me feel better that Motrin is considered "safe" during breast feeding though... I wish I could avoid it all together.
I also "pulled a muscle" so to speak down there, so I'm sure that contributes to the amount of pain.

We have been so blessed that Danny has time off of work to help me, and that his parents have come to help as well. I haven't had to make dinner (or breakfast or lunch) since I had Emma, and I'm so thankful that I don't have to do anything. Learning to breastfeed exclusively and trying to keep myself alive on a small amount of sleep is pretty exhausting, but I love every moment of it.

I love being a mom. It is the greatest gift in the world, and I know Emma already knows me!! And Danny, too! When no one can calm her cries, one of us can take her and she'll calm immediately. I just love that.
With being a new mom comes anxiety though. Danny and I talk about our fears, irrational or not, it is so scary. I'm so afraid of doing something wrong and losing my daughter. I can't sleep some nights because I have to check to make sure she's still breathing. She sleeps on my chest most of the night, and in the morning she sleeps on Danny. Last night she spent a whole 2 hours on her own in her rocker, but the anxiety made me crazy, every time she whimpered in her sleep I wanted to pick her back up. Then, I didn't know what was wrong with her when she did wake up and cry, because it was a cry I hadn't heard before. (I know her distinct cries, "I'm Cold" "Hold Me" "I'm Hungry" "Change my Diaper") It scared me and when I was holding her, her skin felt hot, and I thought she might be running a fever. She wouldn't eat and I was just so scared that she was sick already, I kept running through how she could have picked something up, was it because we let Atreus sniff her? Did someone not wash their hands? Did someone at Danny's work have an illness?(we went to his office earlier that day)... It turned out she was just hot. As soon as we opened the window and turned on the fan, she was fine and slept soundly for another 3-4 hours. So now I know what the "I'm Hot" cry sounds like.
I'm also scared of her belly button. I know, it sounds crazy. But it was bleeding the other day and I didn't know what to do, it was only a very small amount of blood but I don't have an umbilical cord stuck to me so I didn't know what to expect. I can't wait for it to fall off so I can stop avoiding it. I'm scared of hurting her! She's so precious. I love everything about her.